John Mayer Challenges Perez Hilton To A Douche Off

Geez you two, just make out and get it over with. Oh wait, you already did! Snap.

And before we begin, may I just point out that in the history of fat asses, never has someone looked so bad after all their weight loss. He's a good 100 lbs lighter at least and he looks more piggish now than he did before:

Coincidence? I think not.

I suspect his new look is motivated by the same force that got him to quit smoking: deflecting scrutiny, and having something new to lecture celebrities about without coming off as a hypocrite. Sure beats having to make up valuable stuff to say. Thinking is hard.

Moving on.

It all started when John had to open his big fat attention hole and Tweet:

“Last year Pink kneed me in the nuts outside Chateau Marmont. I was pissing blood for days. Did I make a scene? Perez Hilton’s video statement is so long that by the end of it his cut healed.” (Badfish note: this is why P!nk is skull fuckingly awesome)

PerezHilton: @johncmayerThat’s real funny! Ha ha! And I’m sure you also think I “deserved” to get hit!

johncmayer: Not true. In fact I’d like to train you in Krav Maga. Then you’ll have the situational awareness not to get in someone’s face. I also want to train you in an old martial art called ‘Never Call A Black Dude a F*ggot Jitsu’.” (Badfish note 2: WAHHH WAHHHhHHhhhh!)

PerezHilton: “Dude, I get it. I GET IT. But it’s not fucking funny to me. Karma would be me losing my site and going bankrupt or what have u. Karma is NOT getting punched in the face!”

johncmayer: “From the heart, what you experienced these last 24 hrs is a profound lack of control. You can’t blog the world, my friend. It’s like The Matrix. You live in the Perez Matrix. You wrote the program, you can fly. Then you leave the Matrix, and oh, what the hell, you’re not gonna get it. You’re a sweet guy though.”

Perez replied: “I live in my own world. And in my world, I would never punch someone. And in my world, that’s illegal! Also, in my world, if someone repeatedly talks shit about me, I ignore them or TALK as much shit back. But that’s just me.”

To which John said: “Today, the fourth wall came crashing down. Mario, you are human. I call upon Twitter to be kind to you.”

“I’m not human! I’m a monster! Good night, John Mayer,” Perez fumed.

Mayer responded: “Good night Perez, you dumb shit.” via Popcrunch

That John Mayer. Never fails to confuse mentioning the Matrix as being "deep".

Perez also took time to write a rambling non-apology basically excusing his actions and telling us exactly why we should feel sorry for him:

“Words can hurt. I know that very well, from both sides of the fence. The other night in Toronto, after feeling physically threatened by a verbally abusive Will.I.Am of the Black Eyed Peas, I chose the most hurtful word I know to hurl at him. I was in an out-of-the ordinary situaton and used a word that I would not utter under normal circumstances. My intention - however misguided it may have been - was to stand up for myself and tell this belligerent man that I had enough of his badgering and was not going to continue to let him berate and intimidate me. I wanted to hurt him with the word I chose, not anyone else. Unfortunately, the one who got hurt was me and, subsequently, a lot of other people. I wish none of it had happened. I can’t take it back. I did what I thought was best at the moment to stand up for myself in a non-violent yet still assertive way. Clearly, I am not homophobic. Also, I am not nor have I ever claimed to be a spokesperson for the gay community. I am just speaking for myself, a gay man. One who is labeled “flamboyant” in the media. An American that is not granted equal rights under the law. I will continue to speak out for equality and I will continue to say things that upset both gay people and straight people. Who I am as a person and what I do for a living are two separate things. I’ve come to terms with all my incongruities and am proud of who I am and what I do. In closing, words can hurt. But words should not provoke someone to violence. Stripped away from the mask of Perez Hilton, I have been extremely bothered by the public reaction to my assault. Violence should never be condoned with such statements as “It’s Karma” or “I don’t believe in violence but….”. In fact, several television and radio shows over the past couple of days echoed the sentiment “He had it coming”. Would they have said the same thing if I was a woman? Would I have “deserved it” if I had been stabbed? Or shot? Or killed? I was attacked from behind without warning and repeatedly punched in the head in a cold, disgusting and unnecessarily violent manner by Polo Molina, the road manager for the Black Eyed Peas, who I did not even speak with that evening. I did not share any words with him and his assault on me was completely unprovoked. I feel like everything happens for a reason and I leave this traumatic experience as a person with more compassion. Specifically, there was an instance last year when actor Jesse Metcalfe was attacked outside of a Hollywood nightclub by a fellow entertainer. I did not condone the violence, but I did make light of that situation. I regret that. Sincerely. There are many ways to deal with disagreements, both good and bad, but violence is never the answer. Never. I now know that first-hand. It should not be condoned, promoted or accepted. No one “deserves” to be the victim of violence. No one “has it coming.” NO ONE. And victims should not be ridiculed. I look forward to marching for equality in Washington, D.C. this October. And I look forward to standing up for my rights in a Toronto courtroom shortly, as I fully intend to seek every lawful remedy against the man that attacked me.” (Badfish note 3: Paragraphs! Paragraphs are your friend!)

Perez. If you hate vagina so much then why do you act like such a CUNT. Notice how he carefully covers his XXL sized ass by beating his naysayers to the punch, criticizing his own reaction to the assault on Jesse Metcalfe before anyone else can.

He also takes the time to turn the pity back on himself by reminding us that he has "been on both sides" of name calling and isn't "guaranteed equal rights under the law", and that he felt "physically threatened" (despite videos showing Will.I.Am remaining calm and respectful), as if that justifies using words to rile his anger.

All I know is, when I feel "physically threatened", my initial response is to run the other way, not provoke a potential assailant. But then, I'm not the drooling mongoloid short bus rider that is Perez Hilton.

What he's basically telling us is that when someone asks you politely to stop needlessly ragging on their friends, the appropriate response is to hurl hate-filled insults that demean a person's sexuality and incite bias towards others. And when someone punches you in the face for it, well, that was just completely unnecessary. You Neanderthals.