Another Day, Another A-Rod Stripper

When you think about it, there really are few things in this world that seperate us from the animals. Opposable thumbs, for one. Intelligent thought...so they say. Aaaand....shit I can't think of anything else. Case in point: much like wolves, when there's blood, the money hungry publicity whores will start to circle. Actually wolves are too good to describe the following skank. How about, stank buzzards looking to scavage off the already dead and rotting. A "former" stripper (and probably current hooker) turned hairdresser has alerted the press to her affair with Alex Rodriguez four years ago. As you read this, you may find yourself picturing her at a hairdresser's chair, picking long fake fingernails through some old ladies' curlers and snapping gum, occasionally pausing to brush the door knob sized hoop earrings away from her face. I know I am, anyway. From the Boston Herald:

"Cheatin’ Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez had a two-night stand with an ex-Centerfolds stripper while in town to play the Red Sox in 2004, and Candice Houlihan says A-Rod’s wife “did the right thing” by filing for divorce yesterday. The former stripper turned hairdresser says, “A leopard doesn’t change his spots. Good for her, I think she’s doing the smart thing. And she’ll probably get tons of cash.” Houlihan says that she went to the baseball game four years ago and was seated near the visitor's dugout. Her and her friends then started "hootin' and hollerin' at" A-Rod. She says, "We were really bustin’ his chops and he walked over to us and I thought he was going to yell at us. But he introduced himself, asked me who I was and if I wanted to meet up for drinks later. I was like ‘Hell, yeah!’ ”

“It was killing me and I felt bad afterwards. I’m not a bad person. I know how it feels to be cheated on, it sucks. But a couple of drinks later, I didn’t notice all that much, to tell you the truth.” (Oh sweetheart, now YOU'RE killing ME. Sit down and STFU. I hate it when whores use the "I'm not a bad person" defense, as if they're trying to convince themselves that they don't have a grubby puke stained heart made of cheap plastic dollar signs. Yes, you are a bad person. You slept with a man you knew was married. You are a textbook definition of a triflin' whore, aka BAD PERSON.)

She continues, “I told him I was a basketball player in high school and we talked a lot about that. It’s a little weird because he was a really nice guy.” Candice then says she and her friends looked up info on A-Rod online the next day and were surprised to find out his wife was pregnant with their first child. She added, “We were all freaking out.” When A-Rod returned to town to play for the American League Championship Series, Candice met him up and they had sex one more time. She adds, “He said he had a big game the next day. I like to say I helped us win. I reversed the curse!” (Oh wow, you slept with him AGAIN, this time knowing that his wife was pregnant? Now you're WORSE than a bad person. Did you think you were still some kind of fairy princess made out of angel food cake and marshmallow whip topping even though you fucked a married family man? Is that what your johns tell you when you cry on their shoulder about not feeling pretty anymore? Fuck you, ho. Go back to the underside of whichever trailer park dumpster you crawled out from under. I fucking hate delusional self important bitches that think their day old chili dog shits smell like rosewater because they happen to be "hot". Fucking choke on a dick on and die already.)

Is it any surprise that this hooker's name is "Candice"? How lucky for her, she was born with a built in excuse to become a stripper. Anyone who could have the nickname Candy is just destined for a career in lapdancing or as an porn set fluffer. She is now...a hairdresser. Wow, the cliches just keep on coming. Ten years from now, when we follow up this fifteen seconds of fame piece of white trash, she'll be working at the Piggly Wiggly and pride herself on being able to cashier for eight hours a day with five inch long acrylic nails and never so much as lose a fake glued on rhinestone, much less break one. She's classy like that.