Hey Doc? Give Me The "Holly Madison", Hold The Sanity

OK so I think I finally figured out what happened. In celebration of the success of RuPaul's Drag Race, Mattel decided to launch a new line of dolls made in his/her likeness. Tragically, the factory was attacked by a coalition of Christian crazies, and the entire building burned to the ground. From the ruins emerged a few damaged but otherwise still intact dolls. And so we have this vaguely human mongoloid gracing her singed self on the cover of People.

Also lost in the fire? People's sense of journalistic integrity. Since when did they become InTouch? Heidi's TEN surgical procedures knocked the Obama's right off the cover and into a subset. This country's going to hell in a handbasket. And Heidi packed the picnic lunch.

[Deceiver]

The Palins Choose...Cash

*Rubs eyes* Anyone else seeing the irony here? And I'm not just talking about the obvious famewhoring Palin & Co. is up to (you know, that same famewhoring they're accusing Levi of, the famewhoring that supposedly makes him a shitty parent). I'm talking about the headline. "We're glad we chose life!"

Hey Sarah, Bristol. I love your "CHOICE" of words. If we didn't live in the day and age we do, there'd be no "choice" about it. It'd simply be what you had to live with.

[Celebitchy]

Jennifer Love Hewitt's Vagina Must Be Team Edward

I think I've finally figured out why its so easy to neglect my snarky duties here at Winners Use Drugs. With all these celebrities basically setting the bowling pins up for me, its getting less and less fun to knock them down. Why work when I can just show their picture and an excerpt of their latest self involved ramblings? If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times (on the front blog page alone): the jokes just keep writing themselves.

Anyway, stop me if you heard this one. Jennifer Love Hewitt stopped by the George Lopez show to talk about how she glitters her vagina with Swarovski crystals:

She explains, "It's called 'vajazzling'...Women should 'vajazzle' their vajay-jays (vagina)...I am currently vajazzled... It's cute." Asked if boyfriend Jamie Kennedy likes her sparkled vagina on the TV show, the actress quipped, "I've had no complaints." AceShowBiz

Now, I knew JLH had man troubles, but yeesh. Is it necessary to Bedazzle your hoo-ha just to feel pretty? Making your vagina sparkle like a disco ball isn't gonna get a guy to fuck you. Disco dance around your pussy like its a tribal campfire, maybe, but definitely not fuck you. Unless he's a magpie. A gay, gay magpie. As for "no complaints", of course Jamie isn't complaining. One, he's lucky to be getting any snatch. Two, its probably hard to complain about a sparkly vagina when you're too busy trying to nurse the crystal-burn all over your wang. They don't make a cream for that.

And isn't this the same woman who copped to wearing a tiara while she bathes? Good lord. Calgon take her away. Far far away.

I Pledge Allegiance To The United States Of Pop 2009

I highly suggest you listen to this. There's something in there for everyone. Just like bisexual orgy porn!

The Only Thing That Raped You, Jon, Was A Scummy Sense Of Entitlement

Those of you who have been keeping up with the ins and outs of the hot sack of douchy drama that is Jon Gosselin will no doubt know that his apartment was "broken into" recently, and ex-girlfriend Hailey Glassman is to blame. Or so he says. (I tend to think he trashed the place himself for the insurance money, but that's a discussion for another time). But Jon's saying a lot of things right now, mostly through his scummy lawyer, who by the way makes Michael Lohan look like an eloquent saint. When speaking to Radar, the asshole uttered:

"Jon feels like he was raped."

Now, let's discuss this statement for a second here. Jon says he feels raped. Raped. Not violated. Not assaulted. But straight on, prison style bend you over and make you take it rape.

Tell me, does breaking and entering and theft equal the emotional devastation of rape and sexual assault? Can you even BEGIN to compare? First off, I would hope that a woman, a physical human being, would be more than just a piece of damaged property. Second, think of the insensitivity of that statement. How could being a victim of theft in any way compare to the walking corpse that rape makes out of women? 1 in 4 women is sexually assaulted before the age of 40, and those are the ones we know about. Think about it, how many women do you know who have never been sexually assaulted or raped? I don't know many, if any (believe it or not, its a touchy subject to bring up and we don't exactly go around wearing a scarlet R on our chests). To borrow a paragraph from Melissa over at Shakesville, we constantly have to consider:

what you wear, how you wear it, how you carry yourself, where you walk, when you walk there, with whom you walk, whom you trust, what you do, where you do it, with whom you do it, what you drink, how much you drink, whether you make eye contact, if you're alone, if you're with a stranger, if you're in a group, if you're in a group of strangers, if it's dark, if the area is unfamiliar, if you're carrying something, how you carry it, what kind of shoes you're wearing in case you have to run, what kind of purse you carry, what jewelry you wear, what time it is, what street it is, what environment it is, how many people you sleep with, what kind of people you sleep with, who your friends are, to whom you give your number, who's around when the delivery guy comes, to get an apartment where you can see who's at the door before they can see you, to check before you open the door to the delivery guy, to own a dog or a dog-sound-making machine, to get a roommate, to take self-defense, to always be alert always pay attention always watch your back always be aware of your surroundings and never let your guard down for a moment lest you be sexually assaulted and if you are and didn't follow all the rules it's your fault.

We live in constant fear. We ignore the sexual assault and harassment we've endured in life because to not would simply make us an empty shell of frustration. We calculate our every move to prevent rape, when really we should be telling rapists to, you know, stop raping people.

Unless Jon's no no hole is gaping, gushing, bleeding, and possibly infected. Unless he can't sit down. Unless he can't go outside at night unattended for fear of being assaulted. Unless he looks at 50% of the population with shifty eyes. Unless he calculates his every move to try and avoid "those durn rapists" who just can't keep their rapey hands off of innocent people, unless he lives a life of restrictions and guidelines and dodging tactics and shame, unless his body was violated, unless he was held down and forced to do something he did not want to do, unless he was coerced into sex for fear of being seriously physically harmed, then he wasn't raped. He's just a drama queen shedding crocodile tears, insulting the female gender while he's at it. Again.

Jon, if you or your scummy lapdog are reading this, I genuinely hope one of your darling daughters is never raped, and you never have to look in her eyes and remember comparing a breaking and entering to the devastation of her mind and body, to the destruction of her slim, ever-weakening sense of safety in the world.

And before any of you feel genuinely hurt by his law-dog's idiocy, take heart. The man described one of Jon's supposed Ming vases as "100 years old". Um, the Ming Dynasty ended before the 1700s, dude. Its called Encyclopedia Brittanica. Its not hard to use.

These two are such douches, we need a new word for douche. He and Joe Francis should go bowling.

This Blind Item Really Gets Me

I don't know who this chick is but she sounds like the life of the party. Also, "paint stripping fart" needs to officially replace "Jesus pork fried Christ" as my favorite phrase:

Which Corrie actress got so hammered in Manchester members bar The Press Club that she fell of her stool and, when arse touched floor, unleashed a paint-stripping fart. Her encore was to shrug her shoulders and piss her pants. [Holy Moly]

Sigh. That's as good, no better, than anything I could ever write. Ever. Somebody please send this chick to the States. We need someone to replace Lindsay now that she's gone all tragic on us.

What In The Gay Is This? John Mayer's Album Cover For "Battle Studies"

John. Johnny John John John. No matter how much hair gel you use, no matter how proudly you arch your gayface in the air, you will never ever be an Abercrombie and Fitch model. For the love of God, please stop trying.

If you're interested in hearing the unique mating call of the yellow bellied douche sack, you can streamline John Mayer's new album at Rhapsody. Do it now, before they make you pay for it.

Is Anybody Here?

It has been asked (finally, lol) where I've been lately. Answer: gettin' paid! As some of you know, I've maintained a tech and video games blog in addition to WUD. Recently that hard work paid off, as I am now writing at three other sites, one of whom pays me *gasp* a wage!

Its a little hard to even keep up on my tech blog now, given how much I already write during the day. And I have to admit, somewhere along the line, maybe when Charlie died, I just blew a fuse on celebrity gossip. My priorities have shifted such that I can't be bothered to care about people who infuriate me so much. I feel like I don't have the time or energy to devote to human beings who make me despair for humanity.

As time has gone, I also find myself a little less critical of people and their choices...maybe I'm just learning that we don't always get the bigger picture, and it can be cruel to make assumptions. Making fun of Paris Hilton is still fun and hilarious to me, but trying to milk it on a daily basis is just too much. I never liked celebrities so reporting daily celeb news is not an option for me. Even just filtering it to the stories I can make fun of is too much mental energy spent on something that gets me nowhere personally.

I will always have that cynical, sarcastic, mischievous, dirty, offensive, passionate, mouthy, bratty and utterly lovable side to me, but its probably best that I just let it come naturally now here at WUD, instead of trying to force it daily like I used to. It comes so much easier when you love what you do, which is why I'm having a modicum of success as a tech blogger.

I'm not forgetting about you guys,

Badfish

Dramatic Readings Of Celebrity Tweets

It almost makes me wish someone would do this to Kanye West's Myspace blog. But then, I have no desire to hear the audio equivalent of a seizure. From the Washington Post.

Do I Even Need To Say It?

We all know what he did.

The above picture is from The Fat One, one of the only un-besmirched photos he's ever put up. I'm goin' with it. Somehow I can stomach it today. That's how much of a douche Kanye is, he's actually making other douches bearable. I could probably go listen to an entire John Mayer album now.

Click here to read celeb Twitter reactions, if for nothing else than the sheer amusement of reading your own thoughts as expressed by celeb Tweetspeak.

Kudos to Beyonce for being such a class act, invited Taylor onstage during her acceptance speech so she could have her moment. As y'all know, I'm a big fan of Taylor (she's talented, smart, thinks for herself) and not so much of Kanye (douche, douche, and doesn't realize he's a douche).

If you didn't see it all go down, here's video:

and poor Taylor's shocked face/Kanye's stupid carpet head:

"Kanye west is the biggest piece of shit on earth. Quote me." - Pink

Thank you Pink, I think I will.

Cruz Beckham Knows Whats Up

"C'mon Mum, back to the mothership! Its time for your noon suckling! We musn't keep Mr. Cruise waiting!" via CDAN

Sarah Jessica Parker's Magic Disappearing Reappearing Mole On SATC 2 Set

Well I gotta give her credit, she may be denying in public that she had her mole removed, but the SATC 2 80's flashback scene has it firmly eyebrow-penciled in, despite its conspicuous absence in the picture above:

Is it just me or is Carrie's 80s self kinda gross? She looks like the type of girl who snorted coke off the toilet seats. Not her best look. via Dlisted