Leave It To The Stranger

From Seattle's quirky local, The Stranger.

Brooke Hogan Disses Heidi Montag In New Track "UR Not That Hot"

Cue "Brooke who?" from Spence in 5, 4, 3...

Cage match! Oh wait, horses aren't allowed into sports arenas. Stable match!

This is so classic. In an effort to be one of the cool kids, Brooke is throwing Heidi Montag under a bus. Doesn't she know that selling out your fellow rejects doesn't earn you a spot at the cool kids table? Those jerks will thank you for clearing out the riff raff, now please exit stage left and leave the beautiful people alone.

Oh yeah and Fabulous and Hulk Hogan are also featured in this song. Nuthin' like calling in favors from your latest fuck toys to get the job done! And yeah, I know Hogan is her dad. Comment stands.

Colbert Named Dropped Seattle Last Night

4th of July Under Attack

www.colbertnation.com

The Grinch Who Stole Independence Day. Some typical Seattle crank has got their khakis in a twist and the whole thing had me pretty irritated until I saw it on Colbert last night. At least something good came out of this. I'd go off on the "activist" but since we live in Seattle I'm sure he's really just out of organic hummus and taking it out on those darn kids playing in the Gasworks Park again.

Mariah Carey Apes Eminem For "Obsessed" Video

Sigh. Oh Mariah. Now you'll only make that effeminate little narcissist want you even more. Backfire!

This look is for the video "Obsessed". Cough. I'll leave you to decide who is obsessed with who.

Josh Duhamel Has Naked Pictures?!?

How did I miss this?!? Apparently, God smiled on me in 2000 and I didn't even know it. It was that blessed year that Josh Duhamel got naked:

To me, it’s funny at this point. Whatever. It’s done,” he says in the July issue of Men’s Health Magazine. And he’s poking fun at the snaps by joking about the size of his manhood, adding, “It was very cold in the studio, by the way!” via Popcrunch

That Fergie is a forgiving woman. To see the shriveled NSFW goods (and one dem fine derriere), click here.

Nicky Hilton Gets Cheap Snobby Thrills

Is this what you're reduced to when you're forever in Paris' shadow? Cackling at dejected club rats? Sweetie, if you need some validation, its as easy as acting like your sister. Ditch the panties and start doing lines off random dude's boners. Always worked for her. According to Page Six:

Nicky Hilton and boyfriend David Katzenberg were spotted sitting outside East Hampton club Lily Pond Saturday night, "watching people try to get inside and laughing at them when they were rejected."...Hilton "stayed outside, hysterically laughing every time someone wasn't let in. She was loving it."

I want to rip her to shreds for acting like such an elitest mega bitch, but homegirl is the even manlier version of Queen Skankatron herself. Obviously, this is all she has.

Michael Jackson's Children Not His OR Debbie Rowe's?

We all knew that one day the truth would come out about the Jackson kids' paternity... but did any of you think it'd be so soon? I was sure I wouldn't see this on E! Hollywood True Story til at least 2020.

TMZ is reporting that Debbie Rowe is not the biological mother of Paris and Prince Michael, and UsWeekly is saying the clinic dermatologist, whom she worked for when she met Michael Jackson, is the sperm donor:

"Multiple sources deeply connected to the births tell us Michael was not the sperm donor for any of his kids. Debbie's eggs were not used. She was merely the surrogate, and paid well for her services in the births of Michael Jr. and Paris." TMZ

"Though Michael Jackson was wed to Prince and Paris' mother, Debbie Rowe, their biological father is Arnold Klein, Jackson's L.A.-based dermatologist and Rowe's former boss." UsWeekly

So if the father is the dermatologist, and nurse Debbie Rowe was the womb...who was the egg donor? Seeing as how MJ obviously confused a dermatologist's office with a fertility clinic, I'd sniff out the receptionist. via Dlisted

Update: Debbie Rowe has stated to Radar that she IS in fact the mother of Prince and Paris. Oh, and Michael Jackson never went through and legally adopted his children under the assumption that no one would contest him for custody. High drama!

Lindsay Lohan: "I'm The Hardest Working Person I Know"

Hey Linds...um...you tore your shirt.

*Yawn* Time to do the "Bitch, you ain't got work" song and dance. You know the drill. Insert some blah blah blah about how "hunting down 8 balls and stalking your ex isn't really work" here:

“It’s not that hard to be me, but I do work harder than most of my friends’ parents. I’m a workaholic. I don’t know what to do when I’m not working. I get creatively frustrated,” Lindsay says in a new chat with Britain’s OK! Magazine.“I am the hardest-working person I know." via Popcrunch

She probably does work harder than most of her friends' parents. Think about the vapid trust fund brats she surrounds herself with. Their parents probably have all the job skills and intelligence of your average 7th grader.

I love her use of the words "creatively frustrated". Code for "I get bored and do blow."

She's pictured above in Las Vegas at her 23rd birthday party. That Ethiopian belly bloat is all the rage.

Michael Jackson Dead At 50 Due To Cardiac Arrest

TMZ is reporting that Michael Jackson has finally passed on to that big ole Neverland Ranch in the sky. Farrah Fawcett also died today at age 62, due to cancer. Discuss.

Perez Hilton Apology Parody Video From Funny Or Die

Breckin Meyer Responds to Perez Hilton - watch more funny videos

Well, we all knew it was coming, and may I say, it was highly satisfying. Like, have-to-change-my-pants satisfying. Breckin Meyer is still hot, and his Robot Chicken reference made my day.

Click here if you didn't see the original (Yes, that link clicks out to The Fat One's site, so only click if you have no soul. I warn you--Perez likes to jerk off to the sight of a new IP logged in his site meter stats, so be aware that you're fap fodder from here on out. You have been warned).

John Mayer Challenges Perez Hilton To A Douche Off

Geez you two, just make out and get it over with. Oh wait, you already did! Snap.

And before we begin, may I just point out that in the history of fat asses, never has someone looked so bad after all their weight loss. He's a good 100 lbs lighter at least and he looks more piggish now than he did before:

Coincidence? I think not.

I suspect his new look is motivated by the same force that got him to quit smoking: deflecting scrutiny, and having something new to lecture celebrities about without coming off as a hypocrite. Sure beats having to make up valuable stuff to say. Thinking is hard.

Moving on.

It all started when John had to open his big fat attention hole and Tweet:

“Last year Pink kneed me in the nuts outside Chateau Marmont. I was pissing blood for days. Did I make a scene? Perez Hilton’s video statement is so long that by the end of it his cut healed.” (Badfish note: this is why P!nk is skull fuckingly awesome)

PerezHilton: @johncmayerThat’s real funny! Ha ha! And I’m sure you also think I “deserved” to get hit!

johncmayer: Not true. In fact I’d like to train you in Krav Maga. Then you’ll have the situational awareness not to get in someone’s face. I also want to train you in an old martial art called ‘Never Call A Black Dude a F*ggot Jitsu’.” (Badfish note 2: WAHHH WAHHHhHHhhhh!)

PerezHilton: “Dude, I get it. I GET IT. But it’s not fucking funny to me. Karma would be me losing my site and going bankrupt or what have u. Karma is NOT getting punched in the face!”

johncmayer: “From the heart, what you experienced these last 24 hrs is a profound lack of control. You can’t blog the world, my friend. It’s like The Matrix. You live in the Perez Matrix. You wrote the program, you can fly. Then you leave the Matrix, and oh, what the hell, you’re not gonna get it. You’re a sweet guy though.”

Perez replied: “I live in my own world. And in my world, I would never punch someone. And in my world, that’s illegal! Also, in my world, if someone repeatedly talks shit about me, I ignore them or TALK as much shit back. But that’s just me.”

To which John said: “Today, the fourth wall came crashing down. Mario, you are human. I call upon Twitter to be kind to you.”

“I’m not human! I’m a monster! Good night, John Mayer,” Perez fumed.

Mayer responded: “Good night Perez, you dumb shit.” via Popcrunch

That John Mayer. Never fails to confuse mentioning the Matrix as being "deep".

Perez also took time to write a rambling non-apology basically excusing his actions and telling us exactly why we should feel sorry for him:

“Words can hurt. I know that very well, from both sides of the fence. The other night in Toronto, after feeling physically threatened by a verbally abusive Will.I.Am of the Black Eyed Peas, I chose the most hurtful word I know to hurl at him. I was in an out-of-the ordinary situaton and used a word that I would not utter under normal circumstances. My intention - however misguided it may have been - was to stand up for myself and tell this belligerent man that I had enough of his badgering and was not going to continue to let him berate and intimidate me. I wanted to hurt him with the word I chose, not anyone else. Unfortunately, the one who got hurt was me and, subsequently, a lot of other people. I wish none of it had happened. I can’t take it back. I did what I thought was best at the moment to stand up for myself in a non-violent yet still assertive way. Clearly, I am not homophobic. Also, I am not nor have I ever claimed to be a spokesperson for the gay community. I am just speaking for myself, a gay man. One who is labeled “flamboyant” in the media. An American that is not granted equal rights under the law. I will continue to speak out for equality and I will continue to say things that upset both gay people and straight people. Who I am as a person and what I do for a living are two separate things. I’ve come to terms with all my incongruities and am proud of who I am and what I do. In closing, words can hurt. But words should not provoke someone to violence. Stripped away from the mask of Perez Hilton, I have been extremely bothered by the public reaction to my assault. Violence should never be condoned with such statements as “It’s Karma” or “I don’t believe in violence but….”. In fact, several television and radio shows over the past couple of days echoed the sentiment “He had it coming”. Would they have said the same thing if I was a woman? Would I have “deserved it” if I had been stabbed? Or shot? Or killed? I was attacked from behind without warning and repeatedly punched in the head in a cold, disgusting and unnecessarily violent manner by Polo Molina, the road manager for the Black Eyed Peas, who I did not even speak with that evening. I did not share any words with him and his assault on me was completely unprovoked. I feel like everything happens for a reason and I leave this traumatic experience as a person with more compassion. Specifically, there was an instance last year when actor Jesse Metcalfe was attacked outside of a Hollywood nightclub by a fellow entertainer. I did not condone the violence, but I did make light of that situation. I regret that. Sincerely. There are many ways to deal with disagreements, both good and bad, but violence is never the answer. Never. I now know that first-hand. It should not be condoned, promoted or accepted. No one “deserves” to be the victim of violence. No one “has it coming.” NO ONE. And victims should not be ridiculed. I look forward to marching for equality in Washington, D.C. this October. And I look forward to standing up for my rights in a Toronto courtroom shortly, as I fully intend to seek every lawful remedy against the man that attacked me.” (Badfish note 3: Paragraphs! Paragraphs are your friend!)

Perez. If you hate vagina so much then why do you act like such a CUNT. Notice how he carefully covers his XXL sized ass by beating his naysayers to the punch, criticizing his own reaction to the assault on Jesse Metcalfe before anyone else can.

He also takes the time to turn the pity back on himself by reminding us that he has "been on both sides" of name calling and isn't "guaranteed equal rights under the law", and that he felt "physically threatened" (despite videos showing Will.I.Am remaining calm and respectful), as if that justifies using words to rile his anger.

All I know is, when I feel "physically threatened", my initial response is to run the other way, not provoke a potential assailant. But then, I'm not the drooling mongoloid short bus rider that is Perez Hilton.

What he's basically telling us is that when someone asks you politely to stop needlessly ragging on their friends, the appropriate response is to hurl hate-filled insults that demean a person's sexuality and incite bias towards others. And when someone punches you in the face for it, well, that was just completely unnecessary. You Neanderthals.

Now Here's A Pic For My Scrapbook: Perez Hilton Gets Punched In The Face

Ah, finally. Perez Hilton finally got what was coming to him got punched in the face. Mario, meet karma, karma this is Mario. I hope you'll be seeing a lot of each other.

Now let me preface this by saying, Perez readily admits that he called Will.i.am "gay" and told him to "stop acting like a faggot". However, it wasn't actually Will.i.am who hit him, despite Perez's gasped pants to the contrary. Will.i.am asked Perez to respect his band and friend Fergie, and Perez decided to play the pissy queen game until Will's manager went slappy slappy all over his pudge face. In his defense, he squealed:

“I have 10 million plus people that visit my website every day. I don’t need press, I don’t need publicity. I don’t need or want this. I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t deserve this. I like writing about other people’s drama, I don’t want drama in my own life…Will.i.am [according to Perez] “I need you to never write about my band on your website again…He’s like ‘you need to respect me…' 'You know what, no… I don’t respect you.’ That’s when I made the split second decision that I was going to say the worst possible thing that thug would ever want to hear. I was standing my ground without being violent or physical which I would never do. I told him, ‘you know what, I don’t need to respect you, and you’re a fag. You’re gay and stop being such a faggot.’ I knew it was going to set him off but I didn’t want to get into a fight with this person."

Knew he was setting him off but somehow didn't want to get in a fight with him? More like, wanted to mouth off without consequences. You can't incite someone to anger on purpose but not be looking for a fight. Those are mutually exclusive.

And not only does he justify it, he also demands that GLAAD apologize to him for calling him out on it.

“I am saddened GLAAD chose to victimize me further by criticizing me for how I non-violently dealt with a very scary situation that, unfortunately, turned violent. While I doubt I will get an apology from GLAAD, nor do I expect one, I would just hope people know how difficult it is to intellectualize a situation and think rationally when a thug disguised as a musician is screaming at your face and intimidating you. I am just very fortunate and grateful that nothing more serious happened to me.”

For someone who "doesn't want drama" he sure does ask for it. How is using homophobic slurs ok because its not violent? He's trying to pretend that because he didn't use violence he's somehow superior. Come again?

Oh and your racism is showing, Perez. Assuming that because Will.i.am is black he's some kind of homophobic thug, making the word "faggot" (and not, you know, nigger) the worst thing you can say to him?

Actually, I'm pretty sure the only reason Perez *didn't* call him a nigger is because he knew he couldn't get away with it. But he knew he could get away with saying faggot. (Or at least, thought he could.) If anything, it shows how willing he is to sell out his own sexuality if it means making money. Big surprise, coming from the guy who pays his bills by by outing celebrities.

Apparently, using homophobic slurs is only ok if you're gay and you really want to piss somebody off.

via Celebitchy, pic courtesy of DrinkTheGlitter